Circumstances in life are often separated by a thin line, whereby if you’re on one side of the line you’re in a good place and on the other you’re not.
Last week I had coffee with Sharon and a poignant example of a “thin line” situation came up. Sharon is one of several friends I have who works in the beauty industry as either a massage therapist, hairdresser, nail technician or esthetician.
I’ve known Sharon for ten plus years. She’s sweet tempered, conscientious and genuinely accommodating. She and I both love plays, movies, concerts and other entertainment extravaganzas. During our last visit she mentioned a special “one night only” event she’d recently been excited to see – but had to miss.
Our conversation went like this:
Me: Why couldn’t you go?
She: Because one of my clients, who’s a good friend, wanted an appointment that night. She always calls me at the last minute.
Me: Why didn’t you tell her you had plans?
She: Because she would get upset.
Me: You mean she calls you at the last minute and then gets upset if you can’t take her?
She: Yes, but she’s my good friend and I don’t like to upset her.
(I could feel my “hackles” beginning to bristle.)
Me: Can I tell you what I think about this?
She: Sure. Go ahead.
Me: There’s a good friend in your relationship Sharon, but only one of them and it’s you. Let’s call your friend Abby. If Abby gets upset when she calls you at the last minute and you can’t take her, then it’s time for you to let her be upset.
She’s not being respectful of you. Actually, you’re not being respectful of yourself. If Abby’s only your good friend when she’s getting her way, even at your expense, she’s no friend at all. She needs to learn to hear the word ‘no’ without throwing a tantrum. I know it’s scary to think about confronting her – but you’ll be doing both of you a favor in the long run if you do.
Sharon, if Abby claimed to be my friend and was also one of my clients, I’d look her straight in the eye and calmly but firmly say: Abby, you know I consider you a good friend. I really care about you. But I have a problem I need your help with.
You have a habit of calling me at the last minute for appointments. Now I don’t mind that at all. If I’m available, I’ll be happy to schedule an after-hours appointment for you. The problem is, that when I turn you down because I have previous plans, you get upset.
I need you to understand that I have a private life too, that includes other people. When you call me at the last minute, I need to be able to turn you down without you getting mad. It causes me anxiety and puts a strain on our friendship when I change my plans to schedule your spur of the moment requests. If you want definite times for your appointments, you’ll have to schedule them in advance. I value you as a friend and client but things need to change.
Can we work this out?
Then I’d pause, remaining quiet until she answered. Her reply will be the measure of your friendship. If she’s appalled at her behavior, having seemingly been unaware of her thoughtlessness, profusely apologizes and vows to never put you on the spot like that again, your friendship will be the stronger for it. But if instead, Abby ramps up, gets indignant, makes excuses and doesn’t apologize, you’ll know you didn’t have a real friend to begin with.
In the second instance, I’d tell her I’m sorry we can’t find a way to solve this issue, that she’ll have to decide what works best for her in the future, but that I am no longer going to alter pre-made plans if she calls again at the last minute.
If Abby still showed no remorse or understanding for my concerns, I’d begin letting the relationship fade away. I’d be less and less available for both business and personal appointments. I’d still be polite to her, but choose to spend time with people who respect me instead. I don’t mind being accommodating – but I refuse to be used.
Comments on: "Being Accommodating or Being Used…?" (4)
I can understand that you don’t want to miss this appointment/income but she must know she doesn’t own you. I have reached a point where now I know how to say no because my needs do need to be taken care of, too. Massage therapists are such giving people that sometimes, I must agree, we are taken advantage of.
(PS: It’s that “ethical” thing – friendship with your therapist.)
Hi Savvy, I agree with Kate (Hi Kate!) I noticed with myself that I am “too nice”, always worried about hurting or upsetting the other person. Not only that many of us (including myself) do not like confrontation, which makes it even harder to stand up for ourselves and our own needs and desires. What then happens is we start to resent that person and that resentment and anger just sits inside of us and festers.
I am sure that if you turned her down and explained to her just one time that she cannot continue to call at the last minute and the you have other plans that she won’t be pulling this “stunt” on you again. A good friend of mine told me something once and it has stuck with me since. “You can’t ride a man’s back unless it is bent” Meaning people can only do to us what we allow them to do.
Hi Kit Kat,
Thank you for your insightful reply. It took me many years of growing older and gleaning wisdom and confidence along the way to be able to confront people about situations needing dealt with. I still make a concerted effort to “take the high road” when doing so. By that I mean I try to confront people in such a way as to minimize an escalation of the situation that’s already occurring as well as to provide a means for them to make amends without “losing face” themselves. It’s a profound process when you experience it.
BTW – I can personally confirm that you are a kind and generous woman with your time and willingness to help people. I will never forget you bringing soup to me when I was ill! Your friendship is a blessing to me. As intrinsically flawed human beings, we inevitably disappoint one another on a regular basis. When looking out for yourself in regards to not being used – I think it’s all about discernment and paying attention to how people respond when they’ve obviously let you down. I’m still a sensitive woman, but thicker skinned in the sense that I don’t take things quite as personally anymore. That helps too. Thanks for taking the time to reply Kit!
Thanks Kate, for your reply as well. As you know, I too am a professionally trained Certified Massage Therapist – though I’m currently “retired” in that regard – at least for now. I didn ‘t have issues with people trying to take advantage of my availability when I was actively working my massage business – probably partly because I had another job also and my clients all knew I had to juggle my hours as I could.
That said, I do believe that the massage industry tends to draw people with strong nurturing, compassion and care-giving personalities in the first place. So when a client calls you and they are really stressed out or are in significant pain and want to see you as soon as possible, we may indeed tend to work them in at a time that is not altogether convenient for us. Now and again there is no problem with that. We simply have to pay attention to how often it happens and be aware as to whether it’s usually generated from the same sources.